it all feels so unreal, it feels as confusing as a bad dream, as a dream not even worth to be dreamed. it's hard to explain but everything seems to me like a big major fake, like a mistake, like something just made up on purpose. i am confused. what am i doing here? why did i come back? there's obviously nothing waiting for me. things are unreal but they look the same and different at once. i mean there is the sink in my bathroom. it works, it really works. and how amazing is that?

it all feels so weird as if i never went away, if i never was living all the dreams i dreamed. it is like i was to the convinience store on the corner to get myself some ice cream, sweets for your mind with the high recommended pardise flavour of new zealand. it should usually take 5 minutes, 5 ordinary minutes to the store but something happend on the way and transformed it into a miracle - into 7 magical month. it took me the whole way from paradise and back to get some paradise flavoured ice cream. it took me 7 month to realize that hell and paradise is the same, it only depends on the point of view. paradise is now stuck in my head - and so is hell. i just turned myself to the brightside, it was in me already but i just didn't listen. it was a detour to paradise i took, it made me faster and i cannot hold on. it was a shortcut to paradise and it slowed me down. slow down everybody cause you're moving way too fast.
the feeling of being displaced grows even more.
here in my country of birth happened more than in 5 minutes but way too less for 7 month.
there's my old room, it still has the bed where i left it, the map of our globe on the wall but it doesn't move me. i simply can't take a step through the door. it looks as if somebody else but me lives here - some forgotten person, a forgotten child kept between pressure, society and developement.
there's my mom - she's the same. she starts crying and hugging me. she won't let go and i can feel her tears dropping down the side of my neck. oh dear...
there are my friends - they're the same. they almost freak out, start jumping and lauphing.
there's me - standing in the midst, faking a smile. i'm the same, the same i used to become during the last month. one could see my confusion, my strange face of feeling displaced. they can't be bothered cause they're too busy with jumping and crying and hugging. and that is good though. isn't it scary in a way? don't get me wrong but it really scares me, it shakes my bones, i feel the chicken skin, my hands are shaking and i cannot speak. they all speak things i don't understand, in a language i don't speak and i feel nothing, nothing at all but i don't belong here. i am a stranger, a foreigner of myself. they all got me back but it seems that i've lost them long time ago. that is shocking but i can't do nothing about it... yet!
you know that people often talk about the culture shock when you arrive in southeast asia? this is confusing, isn't it? how can one be shocked by a thousand year old culture with all its amazing and pure traditions, customs, habbits and religion? can you really be shocked by life in a purer way than you're used to? i would call it more an occasional or temporary confusion. it'll pass by like a hungover after a big day out. but the good thing is, you'll forget about the hungover, not the first days in a foreign country. heaps of people you met along the road are asking those questions. they don't really ask to wait for an answer. sometimes it seems to me that the whole world is asleep and nobody's really listening. well, they hear you but they don't listen to you. they're just waiting for their turn to speak. sometimes you feel like at home but you're miles and miles away. sometimes it doesn't mean anything and sometimes it means everything to me. sometimes 7 billion people got nothing to say, nothing that can change my mind, nothing that troubles me, and nothing at all.
more or less confusing is that nobody is asking if you experienced one of those "culture shocks" when you return after a long mindchanging trip. that should be worth asking a question, don't you reckon?
now i am here, stuck between memories and the future. is this it? i should have worked much harder, i should adjust my father, but it looks so strange to impress yourself in this way. that's not me as it'll never be me. but if you're keen you should take a look into the water, look into the ocean, stare up into the sky and then try again to make me understand that i was wrong.i spent the money that i've saved up. i spent the money that i've saved up and i feel fine, i feel better than before. everything is gone and i feel free. but why is that? tyler knew it and i know it as well. everything you own ends up owning you. if you're not kept by things you don't really need you are free to do everything you want to cause nothing is impossible. it´s often some kind of thing that make us unfree.
stars are so natural - i wanna buy them for my friends. stars are so dismal and i want to trade mine in. so tell me your wishes and tell me your dreams cause i have some secrets that'll make you stay. i wanna steal your innocence. change your mind tonite and tomorow will be your first day. you'll see stars and colours and you'll hear the satelites say "hey". you'll feel very welcome and you'll possibly, most possibly be the bluest light. you would feel like having some tickets to a sold out show.

i'm coming home.

that's what they wanted to hear and it's what i feared the most. home? where is home? what is home? it's not the country i've left 7 month ago and it's not the countries i leave behind as well. where do i belong? that's my personel dillema still. it is as uncertain as it was never before. i can't answer it nor can i define something. my home is not a place for sure. it's what i am and all i used to be. it is more a feeling, a situation you define. a defining moment - you define it or the moment ends up defining you. is it a dream i leave behind? i guess so. it is a dream. it is an endless dream. it is an endless dreamed miracle of freedom, purity and of being one - being yourself. it is the dream of life. my dreams are my home. they're too young, too innocent and too hollow to even speak about them. is there any hope left, a little piece of confidence and trust? i don't know it - i cannot know it and i don't wanna know it as i may fear the answer. i remember when i came. i listened and learned honesty and life but it seems so far away now...

every traveller who ventures across oceans to distant lands is a potential explorer; in my breast burns the same fire that urged adventurers of old to set forth in their sailing-ships for foreign lands. it is raining again. i am in the airport of sydney and it's raining again. i ask myself once again: 'where did all the time go?' it's gone, it's gone forever and nobody can ever give it back to you. that is the one and only thing one can be aware of. everything else ist sand, dirt and dust - everything else can fade away from one second to another without you knowing a reason for it. that gives you confidence and trust (it should!). find it out by yourself what you expect of it. whatever you wanna do - do it. there's one single chance for everything. it's as simple as that! it's all up to you!

i wake up, it's still sydney... airport...do i walk? do i have my feet still? am i unconcious? i raise my eyes, i let them move round, and i turn myself with them, one circle, one circle of hope, and i stand in the midst. all is as usual. only the young boy frank juergen hofmann turned 23. only the old boy frank juergen hofmann won his dreams back. he won his dreams back while he was asleep and he won his dreams back while he was awake. he won his dreams back on purpose - i won my dreams back on purpose cause i cannot give'em up. i am not lost, i am right here and i shout it out loud in every single face. here am i, sitting alone in the airport. and somewhere my friends are sitting. in company or alone as well. anyway i hope so! isn't it enouph to drive you nuts? the last thoughts on mainland australia are thought and i'll keep them. the last words on mainland australia are spoken, i'll remember them. then i am very quiet. let the month and years come, they cannot trouble me and they can take nothing from me, they can take nothing more.

see you all soon...

today i had the perfect day. i feel like new born cause i had enouph food for my soul. that should last to the end. i arrived in brisbaine after an outstanding week.leaving cairns was probably the best thing i could do. it's basically a tourist town, too crowded and too busy for its actual size though. too many peolpe in the streets, looking for something they don't even know. those people are like vampires. it was about bloody time to go missing for a while and experience the amazing whitsunday islands on a sailing trip and a 3 day safari to fraser island afterwards. snorkling through inner parts of the great barrier reef and further to whitehaven beach made me feel so... just simply overwhelmned (however you write it!). the sand is bright, as bright as snow. it's as bright as little diamonds and the sea owns all imaginable shades of blue itself. it is an unreal place to be, like in a dream. it is impossible to imagine and better than every single picture, postcard or explanation one can give you.
then to fraser. fraser is amazing. a whole island made of sand. it's the biggest in the world as well. you can find everything there but most important is the space and the feeling of nature. it's very pure and this pureness you can feel everywhere. jungle, beach, sand, dingoes, creeks, whales, tiger sharks, snakes, turtles, parrots and frank. these are just a few words to explain the outstanding fraser experience. we had lot of fun over there. i was frank the tank and our group became quite popular as 'team chaos' right after the first day. well, fair enouph. one can say that we really went for gold, for goon (call it 'lady in a boat'), for driving in high tide, for swimming with tiger sharks and for feeding dingoes with peanut butter from a swedish forehead. we did heaps to make an extraordinary memory. thanks to canada, sweden and wimbledon. you gotta love it!
there's no combination of words i can put on the back of a postcard, nothing that i could say but i can try for your heard. i believe in memories - they look so pretty when i'm asleep. they please me every nite. unfortunately they'll be gone by the next day's dawn. if i could find a way to bring them into my day today, i'd be under the impression that i'm kept somewhere in between. i'd be the happiest dreamer awake.

ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.ding.
the eternal ding reminds you, it gets you, it blows your mind off.
a day is over. another 24 hours, another year is gone and your life ends up every minute.
it is 12pm and a new day begins.
it is 12pm and a new dawn is breaking.
it is 12pm and a new life begins.
it is 12pm and somebody pushed button number 23.
it is 12pm and i am turning 23.
there's nowhere else to run. i can't go back and i can't move on yet. if you can't move on... move on! i wanna shine, i wanna fly, i wanna settle. another day, another year, another life but no changes come along. i'm so much older than i can take. i wanted it all... don't take me in a wrong way but i might need direction for perfection. so you gotta help me out. i can't hold on.
12pm is the time that die - 12pm is the time that i awake. you'll find me down in the streets, down in the rain, reminded by an uncertain ding. you'll find me making a strange face. a mix of astonishment, unknowledge and confidence. then, after a minute of paralysation you can see it changing. it doesn't belong to the young boy anymore. my eyes start fading. 23 - it was supposed to be so easy but i'm not a boy anymore and barely a man.
so please, who threw my toys away and gave me coffee? who wants some coffee?
i don't ask for much - i just want my ice cream back.
am i chasing time again? i don't know the answer. i'm just turning 23 all alone, not happy nor sad. it doesn't really move me. a brand new day was born just in time. my soul is surfing to midnight. easiness comes with summer time. i step out into the sun and every day is summer in my mind. there's a bright smile upon my face.
tell mama i wouldn't be back for tea. don't wait for me, i'm not coming home yet...
i'll go to thailand instead.
thailand???
thailand!!!

...und wenn ich nicht hier bin bin ich aufm sonnendeck

just for the record: i am in cairns and i finally made it to my first sun burn in winter time. quite a pleasure one can imagine. it didn't even take me long though. all you need to do is passing out in the sun. easy thing. winter is usually sort of depressing, but not up here - it is amazingly hot in australias north.

...tropisch.

i go for gold.
after a 12 hour over nite drive i finally made it to melbourne just to find myself half waakw and half asleep to be spit out in the rain at 6 in the morning.amazing start in the day ey...
i don't mind this crazy weathercause hey - it is not the disappointing german rain with those heavy drops dropping in the most unattractive way down my head right into my shirt. it is the australian rain. i can feel it droppimg down my hair, wandering above my skin and playing in a cheekey way with the colours of the nite. cosy the reflections in the puddles as well. in this very moment i am happy and gracefull. you gotta love it!
i made it to the hostel pesto (or he would like to be called: hernan!!!) recommended. the urban central in more or less central location. it's an awesome address for backpackers, new, stylish and with brekkie included. a nice place to start a day strolling along melbourne's river banks, through the streets, roads and squares. soon i will start exploring melbourne. it is supposed to serve australia's best coffee. so expectations are high and i will try my luck to find out about the daily grind. chinatown should also be one of the city's hot spots as it is famous for its affordable but delicious middle east cuisine.
i cannot avoid it. every day i doubt if i'll feel like home when i arrive back in berlin. every day i receive more questions from home. some of the people ask questions, some ask no questions, but one can see that the latter are proud of themselves for their silence; they often say with a wise air that these things cannot be talked about. they plume themselves on it.


i prefer to be alone, so that no one troubles me.
my sister wrote that every time a plane is to be seen from their garden my beloved nephew and his sister tell her that 'pimmi' (that is how they call me...and iy is not funny) is coming back.
i can go no further, i can see them standing right in front of me - waiting, wishing, hoping.
'pimmi is coming back' - sisiter, oh sister.
i lean against the wall and grap my backpack. i hold it as tight as i can, but i cannot take another step forward, things start fading and crashing before my eyes, i clench my teeth fiercely, but i cannot speak a word, my nephew's call has made me powerless, i can do nothing, i struggle to make myself laugh, to speak, but no word comes out, and so i sit in front of the computer, miserable, helpless, numb, paralysed, and against my will some tears run down my cheeks.
so much things i'd like to say, i cannot remember - i cannot say.
i pull myself together, take a deep breath and start in the day melbourne has to offer.
it will be a good day.

where am i tomorrow? what am i tomorrow?
i figure nobody knows an answer for that. if you would ask me 3 month ago, i would not even think about being in sydney one day. well, i am in sydney right now and nobody, not even me, expected me to come here so quick. we make plans, we're trying to plan our time. we plan doing this and we plan doing that... just to find ourselves doing something completely different instead. sounds not very succesfull but that's how it is. you try to plan and structure your day? then you are about to steal its spirit. you cheat on yourself as you will not experience the magic of the innocent unknown moment. you will find things you don't even expected to find. it's this what makes it so exciting - not to know where you'll go and what you'll do. but this you will do right and with passion once you've started. opportunitys will come along in the most unexpected ways. they won't come back so you better not miss them.

never wonder what the hell went wrong - a second chance will never come along.
impossible is nothing

losing on a tuesday
tuesday is my last day. tuesday is the day i die. i am losing on a tuesday filled with purpose for desasters - tell them i am just losing on a tuesday afternoon. i am leaving you my island of dreams. i am leaving the land of the long white clouds. i am leaving new zealand and it will be gone forever. soon i will be gone although i can't imagine leaving. i always joke around but i don't look down cause only you could break my heart, only you could win my dreams back. i take a last look into the sea and to the stars for the very last time... it all looks so familiar. so many faces in the sea, the names already forgotten. so much eternity and infinity in the sky. how can i save my dreams without this incredible nightsky - with the dominating southern cross above my head while i am asleep? i will not go and i will not stay either. i will be kept somewhere inbetween trying to move on and trying to keep my dreams alive. they are my spirit.

i cannot lose them - so don't wake me up. you would brake my spirit.

everything seems to be an awefull mess when it comes to leaving what i just started loving.
i am a sad man in the rain. i am a sad man all alone. i am just losing on a tuesday afternoon.

"it is about time", i can hear him teaching.
time for what?
somebody invented the watch and suddenly i'm feeling old. it seems like everybody's running out of time. running out of time to do something usefull with their lifes. what is usefull? is it usefull to work in a job you don't like? is it rather usefull to earn money and buy things you don't really need? or is it simply to do what ever you have to do - whatever it takes to please your mind? people speed their lifes up, hurrying through the day, wasting or chasing time. what for? i figure many don't know an answer for that...
there are a thousand ways to please your mind. like little diamonds in the sky. it doesn't matter if they are real or just made up. you have the choice. it could be so easy! so don't watch the pendulum swing and choose one that makes you happy.
it's not the worst thing in the world to use time as a matter of facts. use every day, every minute and every blessed second to live it as if it is your last...

to all my friends, single served or connected forever, dreamers, realists, believers, students and teachers... wherever we met and whatever we experienced together, it'll be part of you as it'll be part of me forever. maybe we'll catch up again someday - maybe not. maybe somewhere in person or just with closed eyes in one of our memories in the backyard of our minds. i'll close my eyes and step out of this little backdoor as often as possible and i'll be delighted to see you there.
time goes by and i will not remember your names. not today and not tomorrow but someday for sure. names are not important. important is that we shared moments together which will last to the very end. you all took parts of me, bigger or smaller. and i will not ask them back cause i took parts of you either. you are in my blood, you are in my heart and in my spirit. you are a part of me and you make me the person i am and i will be. a true and deep thanx for that...
keep your dreams alive.

forever yours,
frank